Day 101: 3 Reflections on 100 Days Without Mirrors

Tonight we celebrate our nation's independence, and it also marks the 101st day of this project.  Woohoo!  Though I'm not even 1/3 of the way through the full year I've committed to (and thus don't want to get too far ahead of myself), it seems like an auspicious time for a progress report on my growing independence from mirrors (independence, get it? hehe... I crack myself up...).  Here goes:

1) FEASIBILITY: Yes, it's possible (but really hard)!
To answer the burning question... YES, it has been possible to remove mirrors from my life.  I no longer feel dependent on mirrors in my daily life, which is pretty phenomenal.  That said, it's been incredibly difficult in a practical sense, and sometimes I still slip up; I'm not yet 100% mirror-free.  Realistically, there have only been a handful of days in the past 3 months when I haven't seen myself at all - and those were all days when I didn't leave the house.  Simply, mirrors and reflective surfaces are everywhere, and even the most stringent preventative measures can't prevent accidental glimpses.  Those peripheral peeks have been mostly benign, but every so often, "seeing myself" has led to "looking at myself," which is totally against the rules. :(  How frequently does this happen?  Probably once or twice each week, which isn't too too bad, but I need to do better.

Exceedingly Excessive Makeup Collection!
(okay, okay, it's not mine... but you get the idea!)

At first these little cheats only happened when I was stressed about my looks.  I've calmed a bit about that (see below for details), but more recently I've run into a new challenge: I've started to painfully mourn the loss of creativity that used to go toward my daily makeup, hairstyling, and outfit choices.  Thus, while my earliest cheats tended to happen in public (damn those ATM security cameras!) these days I feel the greatest temptation when I'm getting ready in front of my (curtained) bathroom mirror.  I look longingly at my exceedingly excessive collection of abandoned beauty products, and am SO tempted to push aside the curtain and. ... play!  The good news is that this new temptation seems motivated by body-positive creativity, rather than paranoid insecurity.  Progress indeed, but I still have work to do.

2) TRUST: It's a good thing. 
When I first started avoiding mirrors I felt paranoid about my appearance.  (Heck, sometimes I felt paranoid that I didn't even exist!).  For a few weeks I became that annoying girl who asks everybody "Do I look okay??!"  I was unnerved to discover that I didn't even trust people when they told me I looked alright.  This was profoundly depressing - had I ever trusted a compliment on my looks??

Blanche Dubois, who "always depended on the kindness
of strangers."  I get that now.  (image found here.)

Well, the paranoia faded (though I am still very curious about my looks), and I've learned that my family, my friends, and even strangers, are much kinder to me than I typically have been to myself.  Yes, people let me know when I have mascara on my nose or food on my shirt (indeed, I now depend on people to tell me these things!), but pointing out a mouth full of poppy-seeds is drastically different from the disapproval (or disgust) that I have projected at my reflection in the mirror.   I used to second-guess compliments on my appearance, but I'm learning that it's the kindness behind the compliment, not the way I might "really" look (in my head), that matters most.  I've started to trust these outside opinions a bit more, and my (critical) self a bit less.

So.... do I have FANTASTIC BODY IMAGE now?  Well, no.  But I never expected to reverse a 15+year issue in only a few months.  That would be ridiculously simple, and - as is true for most women - my body image remains ridiculously complex.   Yet I'm seeing small changes, all in a positive direction, and these give me hope.  Frankly, doing something about my body image, rather than just talking about it, has felt empowering in and of itself.  Yay me!

3) WEDDING ANGST: B.B.C.T.G. Item #37 Scares the Crap Out of Me.
Yeah, I got my eyebrows waxed without seeing the results, I downward-dogged with only my sister's perky rear to guide my form, and I kind of bared my soul to the world-wide-web, regarding my body image struggles... all in a quest to complete The Knot's Bridal Beauty: Countdown to Gorgeous list without looking into a mirror.  Yet, the one item on this list that scares me the most is the only item I'm NOT ALLOWED to complete.  According to The Knot, the last thing I'm supposed to do (err... I mean, not do) before walking down the isle to marry Michael, is:

"Take a few moments to reflect on the meaning of the day before giving yourself one last once-over in the mirror."  

Original image here.

Yeah, that "last once-over in the mirror" is definitely not permitted in the rules of my project.  But it's something I'm scared I'll regret not doing.  Not only will I be desperately curious to know what I'll look like, but SO many trusted, sane, wise, and not-ridiculously-vain women in my life (hi mom!) have told me that I NEED to take a moment alone, to see myself in the mirror on the day that I get married.  I've been told that this moment won't be about my looks, but about quietly recognizing myself for just one calm minute during a whirlwind day of momentous transition.  This minute-alone-in-front-of-a-mirror would supposedly mark the moment for my own memory, and that doesn't sound so bad.
But maybe this is just one more overly-romantic bridal "must-do" myth, and I'd be buying into it at the cost of this projects' integrity.  Will I be able to create this moment for myself on my own terms?  What have I gotten myself into!?  (Advice welcome!)


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